Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Randomize
