Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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