My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just gargled with NyQuil
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
