You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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