I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
