I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
