I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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