while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
