We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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