nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
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I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
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I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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