one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
