I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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