did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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