Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
