I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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