Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
