i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
