Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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