she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
