watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
