Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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