Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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