The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
