I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
