I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
