My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
