come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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