and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So many bounce houses so little time
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
how drunk are you?
Several
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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