everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
