Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
