Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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