It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
