I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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