When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
