You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
