i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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