it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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