When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
