At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
