How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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