her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
