Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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