Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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