I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
