Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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