Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
