Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
