??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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