I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
