we have pet lesbian snakes
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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