dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
