My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
