it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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