I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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