What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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