I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
