oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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