I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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